


another night alone

by sasukekeke



Category: Original Works
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:08:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23574397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasukekeke/pseuds/sasukekeke





	another night alone

i dont understand why people have expectations for me. 

its one thing to have low expectations for someone or something but i dont get why people even think i could have any use in this world. i feel like i take up space. someone else could be in my spot and doing more with themselves. i have basically everything that i need to survive and thats along with leisure items like a phone, laptop, instrument, my own room, bed and desk. i have everything and yet i do nothing with it.

whenever i isolate myself from my friends, i hate it. i feel so selfish and childish. its so dumb but i do it over and over again. will you get tired of it? i hope you do. it would be better if the good people around me just opened their eyes to realize that theyre sticking around for someone who has no potential, no real gain.

i feel so bad. im sorry that i put you through these things. i wonder how you feel. are you all right? because i hope thats the case. i feel empty again inside but this time accompanied by a big weight of anxiety.

during these times of crisis for many, schools and many other places in the US still require us to do all the work that teachers assign us. with that being said, id be lying if i said that im not biased by the fact that i absolutely hate doing any type of work or homework. thats most likely a big factor but theres also the fact that hundreds and thousands of people are dying right now... and you want me to write a 8 page essay...??? its just stupid. thankfully nothing is too bad in my location but i honestly dont see any fact in me having to do my work. its not like im treating this as some type of vacation because its not. 

i feel really stressed. mentally im at a low point, i see no point in putting effort in anything. its not just homework, i just feel like im doing such a bad job at living that someone should tell me to stop already. what am i doing wrong. i guess its more what arent i doing.

despite my worries and stress, i find myself listening to piano. the first thing i lost interest in. i was so dedicated to it and would even spend hours to do just practice. its not even like i felt forced, i just wanted to fill my entire being in piano. it was another escape for me. i didnt have to exist in reality, i just had to exist for piano and it was enough. at one point i remember it calling out to me. my soul just wanted to give itself to piano and i wanted that for my soul too. 

its been months now. i havent touched my piano. 

i sit sometimes and i want to play. i want to prove to myself that i havent lost everything. even if i wanted to prove it to myself, i cant. my fingers dont move like how they used to . i cant finish a song at all or even just play and enjoy my own sounds. i feel like a stranger to the piano. im scared. 

im scared to try again because even when i have, i always give up so fast. i can keep my attention on learning some basic easy song to play for my own enjoyment. i wonder,,, do i even enjoy it anymore. 

its all so numbed. i cant picture myself anywhere. it hurts. my heart is tired of it. im tired of it. 

what do i do. im so lost. even if i ask for help, how do i even explain. will anyone truly understand. i want to ask for help but how. where do i find it. what do i do with myself. i feel so ashamed. i can believe ive let myself fall this far deep. its embarrassing.


End file.
